dictionary of tools:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal out of your hands so that it smacks you or flings across the room and dents the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then knocks it out of your hands and throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make wood boards too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Also used in the creation of blood-blisters from pinching the skin between your thumb and first finger.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab and remove the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palm.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of ‘divining rod’ to locate the most expensive part adjacent to the object we are trying to hit with said hammer.

SON OF A BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage/yard while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It also, most often will be the next tool that you will need to use.

Love it, but they forgot to add " See Straight Screw driver under the Pry Bar definition.

I'm gonna have to post that in the shop at work!!

Got this in my e-mail the other day:

We were out shopping yesterday for a new ride. Just for fun, Max and I took a Cadillac Escalade out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that Escalade "feel" before they become extinct...
The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and all its wonderful options.
The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.
I stated the car must be a Republican car.
Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican car. I explained that if it were a Democrat car, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.
We had to walk back to the dealership...

LOL, very good !